It is simply impossible so we need to learn to live with them.

Steve Peters, in his book “The Chimp Paradox” points to the fact that we belong to “troops” (groups, clans) and that: “we reject people who are dissimilar to us”.

Some people are very opinionated. Mark Goulston calls them know-it-all and says: “Know-it-alls like being the only expert on any topic, even if they’ve never “been there” or “done that.” They will find cracks in any idea you offer, even if it’s correct”.

They base their assumptions on personal knowledge and schemas/core beliefs, while rejecting new information that will not fit. (A complex or emotional schema, contains all the conscious and unconscious thoughts, feelings, memories, sensations, and, above all, self-protections, both learned and innate, that are associated with a trauma).

While nobody is imposing any concepts or notions to these people or asking them to change or incorporate new information, the problem remains that, unfortunately, their comments and behaviours often prevent others from developing. They have found their “troop” and, by asking “similar individuals” for comments and approval, they are simply reaching for “confirmation bias”. By giving less consideration to alternative possibilities, they interpret information in a way that confirms one’s preconceptions, leading to… statistical errors.

Peters’ dual brain functioning points to the fact that we often allow the “chimp-terrorist-saboteur” to control our life-feelings-events by entering in moods or discussions with a win or lose attitude instead of engaging in intellectual challenges and sensible outcomes.

I said we can learn to live with them. However, as we cannot change the know-it-all, we often need to adapt towards them in the way we speak, behave and think, as they have trouble coming to terms with their… ‘defects’. In blaming all on other’s upbringing (nurture) while disregarding their temperament and personality (nature) – these sensitive kind of people don’t like criticism or harsh comments.

Of course many will say “what about Cialdini’s Principle of Reciprocity”? Well, Cialdini really didn’t consider the “troop”, and his ‘Principle of Reciprocity’ can be short lived. If we need to adapt to “accommodate” others’ strengths or weaknesses in behaviour, we only sustain, reinforce and confirm their prejudices as, often, they are prisoners of their own assumptions.

As beliefs are not necessarily based upon a logical framework of ideas, everything appeals to them, positively or negatively, for the sake of pleasing their own ego.

Ideally we need to embrace the good and noble suggestions made by those like Peters, Dilts, Cialdini, Aron and many others, to tackle “our” issues of “chimp-terrorist-saboteur” behaviour. This cannot be achieved all the time as there is no point, on one side, to possess such skills while the other party is “emotionally imbalanced” and has no intention to listen or learn. There is space for learning but we cannot win every time.

Article by A.B.M. Procaccini
Skills can be learnt at MPSYM.